My experience as a new mom!

At our first date, my husband and I knew that we wanted to have many children. But who knew that we would become parents only after one year (dating and wedding included...I know...that’s fast...).

During my pregnancy, I tried predicting what being a mother would be like: rocking my baby while she effortlessly breastfed and then sleeping profoundly while I worked on Orientelle or did some chores.  She would cry only for food/diaper change/pain and then sleep again. I thought she would be a quiet and calm baby. That my life wouldn’t change drastically or just a little bit.... I thought she would sleep in her bed at 7 or 8pm and wake up in the morning...That she would have a routine, like other babies...

BUT I WAS ALL WRONG! My expectations were way different from reality. Suddenly I realized that, although I spent weeks preparing for the labor and the delivery, I was still unprepared for my new experience into motherhood. No book will prepare you well enough for that reality.

While having children is a blessing, the postpartum period is a huge adjustment. I faced many challenges because it turned out that Miley didn’t sleep during the day (no, she sleeps... but in my arms only) and she would wake up every 2 hours during the night.

Breastfeeding is a wonderful experience, and for some mothers it comes easily. Others experience difficulties. I remembered thinking, “What’s the big deal? You put the baby on your nipple and they drink!” But breastfeeding for me was really hard. My breasts hurt and became engorged. I tried to pump them but initially, it really didn’t work well. No milk would come out. I wanted to cry and I would be desperate. I could be breastfeeding Miley for an hour and then, half an hour later, she would cry again. Our families would push us to give her bottles of powder milk. “Can’t you see that your milk is not satisfying enough for her? She cries all the time’’ - they would say.  Even though it was tempting to do so, we resisted.

Often, Miley would keep on crying even after I thought that I’d met her basic needs. Apparently, using a baby sling can be lifesaver for fussy babies. Research shows that babies cry less when they are “worn” close to the mother’s body. Well, it wasn’t the case for my little girl. She didn’t like to be carried in the sling. Why is my baby crying so much? What am I doing wrong or not doing? Am I a bad parent? The list of questions went on...Fatigue was taking over me. My confidence was at 0 and I was stressed. At a certain point, I had thoughts of throwing her out the window. It was a little scary, but the feelings subsided, especially when I got more sleep. But that’s all normal. I had the baby blues: stress of a massive life change, sleep deprivation, physical demand of childbirth and hormonal adjustments. I had mood swings...boy oh boy...I would cry for nothing...it wasn’t easy for my husband, him not understanding and not knowing what to do.

When it came to my husband- I became resentful. My life changed drastically after Miley’s birth, and his life didn’t change that much. He was able to go out with his friends while I couldn’t because no one could babysit her as she refused to take the bottle (even with my own milk in it). He would sleep like a baby at night while I was breastfeeding and comforting our baby. If I wanted to do errands, I would have to do it in a rush or bring her with me. I started to have negative feelings towards him. That’s why good communication skills are important here. I had to tell my husband what I needed, and affirm his place and importance in the family. Letting him care for the baby to learn his own style is a good idea.

The sexual life was...umm... a major challenge for our relationship. Men will always be men, you know what I mean...needless to say that I was in pain during intercourse because I had a natural birth...my vagina will never be the same. Vagina, I am sorry for putting you through this. It took me a while before I could appreciate sex again. I had to accept my new body and my stretch marks. Luckily my husband helped me a lot with that. Every day he would tell me how beautiful I am and he would even kiss my stretch marks. He says that they are life lines and not to bother about them.

I also had to lower my expectation of myself. Caring for a newborn requires an enormous amount of time and attention—holding and cuddling, stroking and burping, changing and feeding. It was difficult to find time for household chores, cooking or working on Orientelle. I gave myself permission to cut corners. My husband would come home after work and was desperate to see the house in such a mess. So what?! I wasn’t even able to sleep during the day, do you think I have time and energy to clean the house?

There are also other people’s opinions, especially our families and friends. They told us that we spoil Miley by picking her up every time she cries, that we would become her slave and that she would control us. I’ve read that infants cry for a variety of reasons ranging from hunger to discomfort to the need to be held. For babies to develop a sense of security and basic trust they must know that mom or dad will consistently respond to their needs. It was hard not to believe them but in the end, we chose to ignore their advice and stick with our beliefs. When you become parents, you’re always judged by what you’re doing or not doing with your kid...

New moms need support and information to have a happier postpartum adjustment. I called my friends who were moms as well and ate lunch or hung out together. We would take walks with our babies. That is a huge help. But I know there are many groups out there for new moms that other new mothers can reach out to in order to get the community she needs. I joined a group where every week, we would play, sing, dance with our kids and talk about our experiences. Talking with other mothers was extremely helpful.

Now, nine months later, Miley is growing in a blink of an eye. She is the cutest baby on the planet ...She is a happy baby. She is eating pureed food. She is able to sit, crawl, clap her hands, and spends a few minutes alone playing with her toys. She smiles and laughs so hard. I remember the first time she laughed. My husband and I were in tears...We still have tough times but it’s an indescribable joy of seeing my precious little one asleep in her crib or waking up next to her or having fun with her dad or exploring what surrounds her or wanting to touch and eat everything in her sight. There's no parenthood orientation, no job description—it's just you, your partner, and baby, all hanging in there as best you can and taking it hour by hour, day by day.

What about you? How was your experience of being a new mom different from reality? How did you cope with the transition? How do you envision yourself as being a mom?